Thursday, May 7, 2009

Obama Unleashes New Socialist Death Ray

by Vidad MaGoodn


As market hopes rebound despite an insane budget, falling home prices, rising unemployment and the fact that Congress and the new administration are the sworn enemies of sound money, business, free trade and Capitalism, a new threat has been made by the White House.

Obama spoke to a select group of bootlickers today in a press conference inside the newly inaugurated “Peoples News Ministry.” Behind him, a tarp covered a long cylindrical object.

“Despite our efforts to, uh, destroy Capitalism, some business owners persist in making money. And some individuals are actually trading the markets with some success. Can’t they see that their efforts are all in vain? Well, uh, soon they will. Because all your wealth belongs to us.”

With a flourish, President Obama removed the tarp, unveiling what appeared to be a weapon.

“Behold the power of this fully operational Socialist Death Ray!”

As the lights dimmed he asked for a volunteer. Sylvia Sukupp of the Associated Press was the first to the stage.

The president greeted her warmly. “Madame, do you happen to have a large bill on your person?”

“Why, yes I do,” Ms. Sukupp responded as she pulled a $100 bill from her purse.

The president took the bill and crumpled it, flipped a switch on the machine, and tossed the cash into the air.

A whoosh shook the air as green light flooded the room. The bill was intersected by a beam of light and with a pop, it exploded into a rain of pennies. Reporters picked them up in wonder.

Stunned, members of the press waited for an explanation. The president didn’t wait long.

“What you have seen, ladies and gentlemen of the press, is a machine that will end greedy capitalism forever! Any questions?”

Hand shot up across the room.

“Mr. President – what happened?”

“A $100 bill was spontaneously redistributed, and, uh, split into pennies.”

“But… did it really make $100 in pennies? It seemed like a lot less than that.”

The president smiled from ear to ear. “Bingo. You’re all a little richer now, at least those of you that caught the change, but most of the wealth was still evaporated.”

Sylvia Sukupp still stood behind him. “But what about my money?” she asked.

“Ah, that’s where you were wrong. The concept of ownership. It was never yours, Sylvia. It was ours. All of ours.”

She sat down, a perplexed look on her face. The president continued.

“This new ray will be aimed squarely at the middle class. Of course, our rich insider friends will not be affected, but those who lie, uh, outside the system will be punished for their greed. And their savings will be spread across the wastelands of welfare recipients, special interest groups and foreign nations.”

He winked.

“That’s change you can believe in.”

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Violence at Hymn-sing Fails to Cause Fatalities

by Vidad MaGoodn

Elkmont, AL (MNN) - A local man went nuts last night after taking offense to the words to a popular hymn.

Unfortunately for this slow news day, the injuries to other attendees were minor and quickly dealt with during an impromptu healing service.

Before being subdued by officers of the Baptist Defense Force, the suspect stabbed five people with a tiny pew pencil while shouting "heresy" at the top of his lungs. He then proceeded to take off his clothes and jump into the air yelling "take me now, take me now! See! It's not time yet!" After he was not taken, he starting beating organist Molly Bendum on the head with his hymnbook.

After the suspect was taken away, Bendum remarked that she was, "Happy to have the attention. No one ever appreciates organists. Especially not with all these guitar-playing hippies taking over the services."

The hymn that triggered the bizarre behavior was originally written in 1921 by Dispensationalist songwriter Isaac Volts. Titled "I'll Fly Away Before I Die and It'll Definitely Happen Before a 7-Year Peace Treaty Is Signed With the Future State of Israel," it was first sung as part of a campaign to popularize the pre-tribulation Rapture theory of theologian John Nelson Darby. (The "Rapture" is considered by some Christians to be a future event in which believers are spirited away into the sky before, or during, or after a final tribulation period.)

Directly before the rampage occurred, church member Brother Wayne Glutton said the man "Muttered something about pre-wrath something-or-other. Then he proceeding to make some wrath happen!"

As of the writing of this article, the suspect's name has not been released to the public. However, town police have issued a short statement urging "anyone who has wisdom to determine the number of years he'll spend behind bars."

Friday, June 6, 2008

Prostitutes Suffer From Massive Inflation

by John Atknight

(MNN) - The flood of weak dollars led to higher housing prices, then gas prices and grain prices. But now it’s hit another area of particular concern to fornicators – the prostitution industry.

Executive Konstint Wood is outraged by the higher prices.

“It used to be that you could get reasonable service for $15 or less in the Far East. Now you can barely get a smooch at a small-town kissing booth for that.”

Roxy Rubbs, a Des Moines area stripper, call-girl and mother of eight, is saddened by the trend. “Here’s the deal. I used to be able to get a cart of groceries for an hour’s roll-in-the-hay. Then it got so I couldn’t even afford fishnet stockings and cigarettes for that. I had to raise prices! My regulars have complained about it… but hey, nothing’s cheap these days.”

Harvard Sociology Professor C. Muhiney calls the new trend “Alarming.” He went on to say “My fear is that if illicit sexual activity becomes too expensive, people are going to start returning to the restrictive confines of marriage. You can’t afford the gas for a night out, and you can’t afford an escort, so you simply can’t afford a good time. If it wasn’t for the Internet, we’d really be screwed… or not, I guess.”

Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, members of Congress are calling on leading DC Area prostitutes regularly. Yet no answers seem to be forthcoming.

Debby Dallas, another long-time prostitute, has been unable to afford her herpes medication now that inflation has made her real wages fall. “For a working girl that’s as old as me, it ain’t easy to raise prices. Especially when there are liberal college girls giving it away for free. This is a sad time for the industry.”

Dallas also expresses hope that the next president will offer subsidies and assistance to sex workers.

“This is the first time that economic conditions have hit me harder than my pimp. I just hope there comes a day when an honest night’s work can pay for pills and booze again.”

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Americans Celebrate Veterans of Pointless Wars

by Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN) – Once again, Americans are firing up their barbecues in celebration of our pervasive cultural mythology.

“We’re remembering the men and women who died to keep us free,” says Marty Williams, a typical citizen.

In reality, however, Americans haven’t fought a necessary war in almost 200 years. And what sort of a free society bans indoor smoking, requires insane building regulations, taxes away half its citizen’s wealth though taxes and inflates the currency until basic necessities are painfully expensive? Don't ask that question this Memorial Day!

In reality, over the last fifty years, all the wars fought have actually been worthless.

Professor D. Mangood explains, “When it comes to maintaining our mindless patriotism, we need to believe that people are dying for something worthwhile. If we all realized that these countless deaths and maimings are only taking place to reinforce abstract ideologies, political ambitions, or to keep the dollar afloat, people would probably revolt.”

Mangood when on to state, “Trading lives for the freedom of their homeland seems like a good idea to most Americans. But when analyzed, how did fighting in Vietnam keep us from oppression? Or beating back the Germans in WWI and WWII? Was trading Hitler for Stalin worth so many lives? And it should be obvious on its face that deposing Saddam and destabilizing Iraq while threatening Iran equals a high-point of interventionist idiocy.”

But don’t tell that to Kate Waters. She lost a son in Iraq. “He was a hero,” she says with tears in her eyes, “his death is helping keep us free.”

Realists would argue, however, he actually died to help enrich contractors and the President’s globalist buddies.

President Bush claimed in a speech today “America is safer and freer because of our veterans.”

Sadly, their deaths and sacrifices represent nothing more than a perpetuation of the elitist schemes of world improvers and meddlers.

Mangood states, “The President should be apologizing to the nation for killing its youth, not pretending that their deaths were from some great ideal. If we really want to ‘support our troops,’ we would bring them home and stop putting them in harm’s way. When we’re invaded by someone, that’s the time to fight.”

On the web:

Friday, April 4, 2008

Most Conservatives Now Favor McCain, Big Government, Screwing America

By Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN) – In an unsurprising turn of events, "conservatives" like columnist Janet Folger are now speaking out in favor of electing McCain.

Senator McCain, whose policies are fundamentally Stalinist, is happy to be recognized.

“I knew they’d come around. After all, I’m pro-war, even though I don’t give a s*** about the Constitution, the unborn, limited government, or the little guys being screwed over by the banking system. Hell, I LOVE screwing people over. That’s why I want to open our borders while fighting a endless war! KILL KILL KILL!!!”

Conservatives have traditionally favored pro-family causes and been supportive of small government. Now, however, no one is sure what they support. After eight years of President Bush’s massive governmental expansion and police-state ideals, conservatives only know one thing - that they’re not voting for a Democrat. All their other ideals are apparently up for grabs.

Janet Folger, who apparently used to believe in small government, is a shining example of the soulless reactionary idiocy that defines the conservative movement. Rather than standing up for a traditional small-government conservative like Ron Paul, she threw her words behind Mike Huckabee, a big-government candidate who mouthed all the right Baptist words.

Now she’s behind McCain, a terminally unhinged dictatorial fascist. Why? Because he’s not Obama or Clinton.

Blogger Vark Populus weighed in on the issue earlier today. “Honestly, Conservatives don’t stand for anything anymore. They stand AGAINST things. What needs to happen is for the movement to put the Constitution at its center and start making strides on its own. Forget being defensive – go on the offense. If they remembered why and how America was founded, they’d start gaining ground.”

Small government? States rights? Freedom of speech? Gold and silver money?

All those concepts are in the dust in the wake of the Bush fiasco. And if so-called conservatives have their way, all they’ll be conserving is the anti-freedom big government mess left by the previous administration.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Copywriter Discovers He Doesn’t Give A S*** About Consumer Response.

by guest reporter K. Townes

Chicago (MNN) - In the process of self-examination and thinking about his goals for the future, local ad man and copywriter John Franks realized that he didn’t give a rat’s ass whether or not his clients sold a single product to anyone.

Franks reflects wistfully on the early days of his career,

“In those days I was really excited to be able to do something creative; to be among the chosen few whose work is seen and heard by millions and move them to act upon something by means of my creative words and ideas."

But after almost a decade in the media and advertising business, Mr. Franks admits he’s burned out.

“For the past eight years I’ve been writing high impact, vertically centered, creative ad copy for integrated solutions of broad and specific marketing campaigns, targeting various types of consumers, focusing on high yield responses in those related markets and I woke up one morning to the realization that, frankly, I don’t give a s***.”

Jack Alfa is Franks' supervisor at the P.R.I.K. Agency in Chicago. When asked about Mr. Franks' job performance and attitude toward his work, Alfa’s response was brief, “It seems like he doesn’t give a s***.”

After being emotionally and intellectually sucked dry, Franks has quit his job at the agency.

Mr. Franks’ dreams for the future consist mostly of wandering aimlessly around the city and consuming substantial amounts of queso dip.


Thursday, February 21, 2008

Obama Heals Deaf Man, Is Still Followed By Dumb

by Vidad MaGoodn

SEATLLE, Wash (MNN) – Obama not only leads the delegate count, he’s also leading in the miracle count. That’s if you believe the eyewitness accounts of miracles at his recent appearances.

Unlike Hillary, whose most notable miracle involved transforming a brassiere into fine ash back in the 60’s, Obama’s miracles are now happening on a daily basis

“Yes We Can” is his catchphrase. And is there anything he can’t do these days? Apparently not, now that he’s following up his rhetoric with miraculous healings and signs. While on the campaign trail in the deep south yesterday, he apparently turned water into malt liquor. The symbolism was powerful, particularly considering that the water fountain from which the water was procured still had a faded “whites only” sign hanging above it.

This morning he allegedly healed a deaf man through the power of his rhetoric. The man, 62 year old Carl Melowdly, had been deaf since falling down the stairs at a Rolling Stones concert. According to witnesses, Obama touched the man lightly on the forehead and told him to “believe.” He followed that up with fourteen paragraphs of meaningless phrases cobbled together from unnoted sources, using the words “hope, change, faith and believe” at least 60 times each.

Melowdly then started dancing and singing, yelling “I’m healed, I’m healed.”

Skeptics aren’t buying the healings, however. The most notable detractor has been former president Clinton, who called the healings “ridiculous.” He also crashed an Obama event and yelled at the Illinois senator to “turn stones into Big Macs.” When the senator ignored him, Mr. Clinton instead visited a local McDonald’s drive-through and proclaimed “now these greasy beauties are a REAL miracle!”

Outsider commentary on the Internet is now speculating on the possibility of these miracles being real, meaning that Obama genuinely is a Magic Negro.

No telling, but the senator is still surrounded and supported by plenty of sick people, many of them dumb.

And it may take a miracle for him to avoid being replaced by Hillary Clinton at the upcoming Democratic National Convention.


Friday, February 15, 2008

Heather Has Two Mommies, Three Daddies, A Pig's Spleen and a Baboon's Heart

NPR's "New Science Now Today" takes a look at the controversial best-seller "Heather Has Two Mommies, Three Daddies, A Pig's Spleen and a Baboon's Heart."

Featuring Vidad Magoodn and KTown. Based on an idea by Bruce Bethke.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Controversial Study Proves Fatsos Sacrifice Love for Food, More Food

by Les Pounds

Despite the inverse ratio existing between love and weight, fat people continue to put their next piece of cake or bag of pork rinds first – even when they know that losing weight will make others like them.

That’s the conclusion reached by researchers in a new study sponsored by the Institute for Obesity Research in Chicago. Lead researcher Dr. Vera Narrow released the findings in this quarter’s issue of the Journal of Scientific Density.

Narrow writes, “Less fat equals more love. More fat equals less love. That’s what most people secretly believe, and over the past ten years, we’ve been able to prove that in this case, common sense has been proven correct. No one’s gonna love you, fat girls and boys… no matter what Oprah says.”

Fat people, who often report that they “feel as if they’re unattractive to the opposite sex,” are right to feel that way, according to Dr. Narrow’s research. “’Baby got back’ is only okay to a point. When your thighs resemble two cauliflowers locked in a death match, you’re not gonna get any love.”

However, not everyone is convinced that the IOR’s research is accurate.

Tip DeScales of the advocacy group “Large Bodies, Large Hearts,” states that the report is “Just plain mean! For years we’ve been telling people that no matter how they look on the outside, they can be beautiful on the inside. Now a group of scientists are coming along and saying that we were wrong about that? I don’t think so. I refuse to accept that!”

Narrow countered that assertion today by stating that fat people “are ugly on the inside too. Honestly, have you ever seen a plaque-filled artery? Or marbled fat layers wrapping around the vital organs like slick, pale leeches? I rest my case.”

One pastor, Rev. Love Handalls, has chimed into the debate by stating that “all people are made in the image of God and are therefore instilled with dignity and should be loved.” However, it was later revealed that he clocked in at over 300 lbs, so no one is taking him seriously.

Some fat activists are calling for Dr. Narrow to take back her claims, calling her report a “dangerous act that only perpetuates the anti-fat bias of America and does nothing to bring us together as men and women.”

In an angry confrontation on Monday, activists showed up at the IOR. The handful of protestors intended to march around the research facility but got tired too quickly and had to resort to sitting on the benches out front and drinking diet coke in an angry manner and yelling mean things while stuffing their faces with Cheetos and Twix bars looted from local vending machines.

Dr. Vera Narrow isn’t done with her work, however. A new study linking braces, pimples and glasses to school-yard butt-kickings is expected to be released later this year. Until then, she’s counting on her svelte frame and long, slender, attractive and athletic legs to save her from any big old nasty hateful fatsos that want to kill her.

And there are many that do. After lunch, of course. And a nap. And a snack.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

New Federal Program Sends Illegals to Disney World

by Ray Cystpig

ORLANDO, FL (MNN) – It’s 5:00 AM and already there’s a crowd in Disney World’s immaculate parking lot. But instead of the typical multi-national and well-heeled masses, today the lot looks a little like a Home Depot in Texas at the same hour of the morning. Short brown men and women with squalling babies and flashing black eyes have gathered for a momentous occasion – their first visit to Disney World.

When the gates open, the tide of humanity enters. The descendants of great Aztec gods and warriors stare about at the brightly colored toys in the anglocentric paradise dreamed up by Walt Disney many decades ago, during the height of America’s power and influence.

What brought this flood of Mexican visitors to the heart of American culture? A new federal initiative instituted by the Bush Administration called the “Good Neighbor”* program. The “Good Neighbor” program has set aside 68 million dollars for the express purpose of bringing illegal immigrants (note from editor: from now on, use term “undocumented workers”) to Disney World.

One Bush Administration official stated, “Now that you’ve made it to the states… where do you want to go next? I’d assume Disney. That’s where the ‘Good Neighbor’ program comes in.”

Reactions to the program have been mixed. Unexpectedly, some House Republicans are hailing it as a “good way to begin anglo-izing our brown friends.”

Orlando artist and writer Danny Goldman said he was against the initiative on philosophical grounds… “but, you know, it seems like the kids are having a blast, so I can’t be that mad. Besides, all these folks make good candidates for my painting series on peasants.”

Blogger Vark Populus opposed the program as a massive waste of taxpayer funds, but he did see a bright side as well. “Basically, by visiting Disney, maybe they’ll see what a hollow empty lie American values have become… and they’ll want to move back home to a more simple and traditional lifestyle. Heck, I’ll probably be expatriating myself south of the border any day now…”

At Disney World, however, politics are far from the minds of the visitors from the South.

One young man, Benito Angel, speaking through an interpreter, pointed upwards and said “See this castle? Me and my brother built something just like it for this guy in Arizona. In like… four days.”

Unlike many of the investment bankers, laywers, radio producers, and account managers that visit Disney World each year, the Mexican visitors are quiet, respectful, and almost reverent as they tour the theme park. That is, until they reached Epcot and heard Mariachi music emanating from the Mexico Pavilion in the World Showcase. Then, it was all party.

*NOTE: (State Farm has filed litigation against the Federal Government for their use of the copyrighted "Good Neighbor" slogan.)

Thursday, January 24, 2008

USDA Releases New Food Pyramid for Seniors

by Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN) – In a press conference this morning containing representatives of various educational groups and lobbyists, the USDA unveiled a new redesign of their venerable food pyramid. This time, it specifically targets an aging population.

Dr. Ralph Upwat Ijestait addressed attendees. “In all my years as a nutritionist, I’ve never seen a food pyramid that reflects the specific needs of seniors. Now, we finally have it.”

The new pyramid stands tall, featuring Viagra at its sharp and proud peak.

Other new categories can be seen in the accompanying illustration.

One area of debate inside the USDA revolved around whether it was appropriate to feature Alpo, a name-brand dog food, as essential. Some wished to retain grains and legumes instead, but after much lobbying from dog food executives, Alpo won the day. However, according to some insiders, the main argument for its inclusion was due to the fact that today’s senior citizens are basically broke. Many Americans unable and unwilling to save money in their working years rely on Social Security. That fact, along with runaway inflation, has made Alpo into an unlikely staple.

Dr. Ijestait addressed the “Alpo” controversy by stating, “Alpo is really a lot better than many things seniors could eat. Like, uh, each other, I guess.”

Representatives from Lean Cuisine and Ensure also helped with the pyramid, showing that corporate representatives can act outside of their own self-interests for the greater good of the nation.

No word on whether the new food pyramid will help seniors keep the damn kids off their grass.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Bush Stimulus Package Includes "Adult Toys"

by Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN) - C'mon... you didn't think this eminent network was actually going to stoop to this level, did you?

There's no way we're writing an article with that heading. The news folks just wanted to write a funny title, okay?

On the web:

Monday, January 14, 2008

Gold Hits $900 Despite Stock Market Permabulls

by Vidad MaGoodn

WALL STREET (MNN) – Gold has hit a new historic high despite the large number of average Americans who still invest in mutual funds and the stock market. Mutual funds, which are one of the stupidest namby-pamby investments in the world, nevertheless make up over 90% of the portfolios of middle class citizens. They are also used extensively by rich investment managers to screw those poorer than themselves.

Gold, which is a historic wealth preserver, is again telling the story it has told through many financial crises. Mainly, you can’t trust a government with the power to print money. When gold goes up, it’s a sure sign that the printing presses are running.

Interestingly, the slimy scumbags at Goldman Sachs recently encouraged investors to “short” gold. Obviously, they’re accumulating (and intending to screw over the shorts) if that’s the kind of advice they’re giving to clients.

Contrarian investment adviser Rob Allsworth has some advice for bankers.

“Remember, you guys are outnumbered by the lumpen masses, and that the lumpen masses often drink heavily and don’t use proper firearm safety, particularly when their hunting rifles are pointed at slick bastards in expensive suits who’ve made a living off the backs of people that work for a living.”

Most investors, however, are still buying stocks and mutual funds despite gold’s epic rise and strong fundamentals. Displaying their bizarre herd instincts, average Americans must think stocks will rise forever – this despite a marked deterioration in fundamentals mixed with a high price to earnings ratio and overbought conditions.

Gold closed the day at $902.60, silver at $16.34.

In other news, President Bush is still a fascist with an abysmal grasp of sound economic policies.

On the web:

Survey Shows Americans Now Feel Liberals 'Aren’t So Bad Anymore'

By Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN) – Many Americans feel radical environmentalists, socialists, peaceniks, gays, PETA members and granola eaters “aren’t so bad anymore.”

Thanks to the fascism of the Bush Administration and the neo-cons, liberals are now looked upon more favorably than ever before.

Former Republican and political analyst Rich Goldman thinks he knows why. “Liberals have been a punching bag for “red state” Americans and conservatives for a long time. Frankly, those on the left are a little loony… but they’re certainly not as scary as the alternatives on the so-called ‘right!’”

Goldman has looked at the liberal/conservative spectrum for years – and liberalism has never been viewed in this positive a light.

“The thing is, good old-fashioned 'robbing the rich and giving to the poor' via expensive and wasteful government programs isn’t the worst thing in the world. Of course it’s stupid and annoying and eats up productivity in the market – but it still beats the heck out of jackboots, pre-emptive wars, torture, secret prisons and press censorship. I think people are now looking at liberals and saying, ‘hey, compared to Bush and crew – these guys and gals look downright wholesome!’”

In one survey that asked Americans questions about their political feelings, liberals were generally more liked than conservatives, provided the word “liberal” was not used.

Of interest was that many respondents who self-identified as evangelicals still hated liberals more than they hated a police state. In fact, most evangelicals actually embraced living in a police state, deduced from their responses to questions about war, torture and civil rights.

A particularly revealing observation showed that most evangelicals called themselves “pro-life,” yet paradoxically supported the slaughter in Iraq as being “just.”

Respondents that identified themselves as “on the left” were not without their own foibles. They often were “pro-choice,” meaning they were okay with the death of unborn innocents, but were adamantly against war-related casualties - another illogical position.

Researchers say a small group was “pro-life” and “anti-war” but their answers didn’t matter since their unnatural views removed them from mainstream American thought.

Another question on the survey asked whether homosexuality was as destructive to society as kicking in skulls, torturing civilians and taking away the right to trial. 80% of Americans felt it was not as destructive, though evangelicals that described themselves as “pleased with the Bush administration” (a large majority) seemed to feel that death wouldn’t be good enough for most gays. Some even suggested that waterboarding might “scare them straight.”

For the small fraction of evangelicals that don’t support the Bush administration and who are not politically liberal, a group mostly comprised of Libertarians, classic conservatives and Constitutionalists, there’s very little hope of fitting into society.

Southern Baptists are likely to tear the limbs off anyone that doesn’t feel our troops are “keeping us free,” and they’re also likely to do the same to those that eat granola or use biodiesel.

Liberals can also be vicious towards those who believe the unborn have rights, or, as the survey puts it, people that feel "homosexuality isn’t something you’re born with, but it is a moral failing that should be met with love and compassion."

The question remains for researchers – why have Americans submitted to the draconian violations of personal liberty and privacy that have been spawned by so-called “conservatives?”

Who knows – but at least liberals are finally feeling some love.