WASHINGTON (MNN) – In a press conference this morning containing representatives of various educational groups and lobbyists, the USDA unveiled a new redesign of their venerable food pyramid. This time, it specifically targets an aging population.
Dr. Ralph Upwat Ijestait addressed attendees. “In all my years as a nutritionist, I’ve never seen a food pyramid that reflects the specific needs of seniors. Now, we finally have it.”
The new pyramid stands tall, featuring Viagra at its sharp and proud peak.
Other new categories can be seen in the accompanying illustration.
One area of debate inside the USDA revolved around whether it was appropriate to feature Alpo, a name-brand dog food, as essential. Some wished to retain grains and legumes instead, but after much lobbying from dog food executives, Alpo won the day. However, according to some insiders, the main argument for its inclusion was due to the fact that today’s senior citizens are basically broke. Many Americans unable and unwilling to save money in their working years rely on Social Security. That fact, along with runaway inflation, has made Alpo into an unlikely staple.
Dr. Ijestait addressed the “Alpo” controversy by stating, “Alpo is really a lot better than many things seniors could eat. Like, uh, each other, I guess.”
Representatives from Lean Cuisine and Ensure also helped with the pyramid, showing that corporate representatives can act outside of their own self-interests for the greater good of the nation.
No word on whether the new food pyramid will help seniors keep the damn kids off their grass.
3 comments:
This is the pinnacle of your journalistic career.
Vidad, you are ever rising to greater depths!
I salute you.
Viagra at it's proud peak? Guess I gotta take back the wussy comment. One of'em anyway.
Alpo is packed with nutrients and will help seniors with vision and keep their coats shiney. Good stuff, keep it up. I like the names you pick.
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