by Les Pounds
Despite the inverse ratio existing between love and weight, fat people continue to put their next piece of cake or bag of pork rinds first – even when they know that losing weight will make others like them.
That’s the conclusion reached by researchers in a new study sponsored by the Institute for Obesity Research in Chicago. Lead researcher Dr. Vera Narrow released the findings in this quarter’s issue of the Journal of Scientific Density.
Narrow writes, “Less fat equals more love. More fat equals less love. That’s what most people secretly believe, and over the past ten years, we’ve been able to prove that in this case, common sense has been proven correct. No one’s gonna love you, fat girls and boys… no matter what Oprah says.”
Fat people, who often report that they “feel as if they’re unattractive to the opposite sex,” are right to feel that way, according to Dr. Narrow’s research. “’Baby got back’ is only okay to a point. When your thighs resemble two cauliflowers locked in a death match, you’re not gonna get any love.”
However, not everyone is convinced that the IOR’s research is accurate.
Tip DeScales of the advocacy group “Large Bodies, Large Hearts,” states that the report is “Just plain mean! For years we’ve been telling people that no matter how they look on the outside, they can be beautiful on the inside. Now a group of scientists are coming along and saying that we were wrong about that? I don’t think so. I refuse to accept that!”
Narrow countered that assertion today by stating that fat people “are ugly on the inside too. Honestly, have you ever seen a plaque-filled artery? Or marbled fat layers wrapping around the vital organs like slick, pale leeches? I rest my case.”
One pastor, Rev. Love Handalls, has chimed into the debate by stating that “all people are made in the image of God and are therefore instilled with dignity and should be loved.” However, it was later revealed that he clocked in at over 300 lbs, so no one is taking him seriously.
Some fat activists are calling for Dr. Narrow to take back her claims, calling her report a “dangerous act that only perpetuates the anti-fat bias of America and does nothing to bring us together as men and women.”
In an angry confrontation on Monday, activists showed up at the IOR. The handful of protestors intended to march around the research facility but got tired too quickly and had to resort to sitting on the benches out front and drinking diet coke in an angry manner and yelling mean things while stuffing their faces with Cheetos and Twix bars looted from local vending machines.
Dr. Vera Narrow isn’t done with her work, however. A new study linking braces, pimples and glasses to school-yard butt-kickings is expected to be released later this year. Until then, she’s counting on her svelte frame and long, slender, attractive and athletic legs to save her from any big old nasty hateful fatsos that want to kill her.
And there are many that do. After lunch, of course. And a nap. And a snack.