Prostitutes Suffer From Massive Inflation

by John Atknight

(MNN) - The flood of weak dollars led to higher housing prices, then gas prices and grain prices. But now it’s hit another area of particular concern to fornicators – the prostitution industry.

Executive Konstint Wood is outraged by the higher prices.

“It used to be that you could get reasonable service for $15 or less in the Far East. Now you can barely get a smooch at a small-town kissing booth for that.”

Roxy Rubbs, a Des Moines area stripper, call-girl and mother of eight, is saddened by the trend. “Here’s the deal. I used to be able to get a cart of groceries for an hour’s roll-in-the-hay. Then it got so I couldn’t even afford fishnet stockings and cigarettes for that. I had to raise prices! My regulars have complained about it… but hey, nothing’s cheap these days.”

Harvard Sociology Professor C. Muhiney calls the new trend “Alarming.” He went on to say “My fear is that if illicit sexual activity becomes too expensive, people are going to start returning to the restrictive confines of marriage. You can’t afford the gas for a night out, and you can’t afford an escort, so you simply can’t afford a good time. If it wasn’t for the Internet, we’d really be screwed… or not, I guess.”

Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, members of Congress are calling on leading DC Area prostitutes regularly. Yet no answers seem to be forthcoming.

Debby Dallas, another long-time prostitute, has been unable to afford her herpes medication now that inflation has made her real wages fall. “For a working girl that’s as old as me, it ain’t easy to raise prices. Especially when there are liberal college girls giving it away for free. This is a sad time for the industry.”

Dallas also expresses hope that the next president will offer subsidies and assistance to sex workers.

“This is the first time that economic conditions have hit me harder than my pimp. I just hope there comes a day when an honest night’s work can pay for pills and booze again.”