by Vidad MaGoodn
Elkmont, AL (MNN) - A local man went nuts last night after taking offense to the words to a popular hymn.
Unfortunately for this slow news day, the injuries to other attendees were minor and quickly dealt with during an impromptu healing service.
Before being subdued by officers of the Baptist Defense Force, the suspect stabbed five people with a tiny pew pencil while shouting "heresy" at the top of his lungs. He then proceeded to take off his clothes and jump into the air yelling "take me now, take me now! See! It's not time yet!" After he was not taken, he starting beating organist Molly Bendum on the head with his hymnbook.
After the suspect was taken away, Bendum remarked that she was, "Happy to have the attention. No one ever appreciates organists. Especially not with all these guitar-playing hippies taking over the services."
The hymn that triggered the bizarre behavior was originally written in 1921 by Dispensationalist songwriter Isaac Volts. Titled "I'll Fly Away Before I Die and It'll Definitely Happen Before a 7-Year Peace Treaty Is Signed With the Future State of Israel," it was first sung as part of a campaign to popularize the pre-tribulation Rapture theory of theologian John Nelson Darby. (The "Rapture" is considered by some Christians to be a future event in which believers are spirited away into the sky before, or during, or after a final tribulation period.)
Directly before the rampage occurred, church member Brother Wayne Glutton said the man "Muttered something about pre-wrath something-or-other. Then he proceeding to make some wrath happen!"
As of the writing of this article, the suspect's name has not been released to the public. However, town police have issued a short statement urging "anyone who has wisdom to determine the number of years he'll spend behind bars."