Obama Unleashes New Socialist Death Ray

by Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN)

As market hopes rebound despite an insane budget, falling home prices, rising unemployment and the fact that Congress and the new administration are the sworn enemies of sound money, business, free trade and Capitalism, a new threat has been made by the White House.

Obama spoke to a select group of bootlickers today in a press conference inside the newly inaugurated “Peoples News Ministry.” Behind him, a tarp covered a long cylindrical object.

“Despite our efforts to, uh, destroy Capitalism, some business owners persist in making money. And some individuals are actually trading the markets with some success. Can’t they see that their efforts are all in vain? Well, uh, soon they will. Because all your wealth belongs to us.”

With a flourish, President Obama removed the tarp, unveiling what appeared to be a weapon.

“Behold the power of this fully operational Socialist Death Ray!”

As the lights dimmed he asked for a volunteer. Sylvia Sukupp of the Associated Press was the first to the stage.

The president greeted her warmly. “Madame, do you happen to have a large bill on your person?”

“Why, yes I do,” Ms. Sukupp responded as she pulled a $100 bill from her purse.

The president took the bill and crumpled it, flipped a switch on the machine, and tossed the cash into the air.

A whoosh shook the air as green light flooded the room. The bill was intersected by a beam of light and with a pop, it exploded into a rain of pennies. Reporters picked them up in wonder.

Stunned, members of the press waited for an explanation. The president didn’t wait long.

“What you have seen, ladies and gentlemen of the press, is a machine that will end greedy capitalism forever! Any questions?”

Hand shot up across the room.

“Mr. President – what happened?”

“A $100 bill was spontaneously redistributed, and, uh, split into pennies.”

“But… did it really make $100 in pennies? It seemed like a lot less than that.”

The president smiled from ear to ear. “Bingo. You’re all a little richer now, at least those of you that caught the change, but most of the wealth was still evaporated.”

Sylvia Sukupp still stood behind him. “But what about my money?” she asked.

“Ah, that’s where you were wrong. The concept of ownership. It was never yours, Sylvia. It was ours. All of ours.”

She sat down, a perplexed look on her face. The president continued.

“This new ray will be aimed squarely at the middle class. Of course, our rich insider friends will not be affected, but those who lie, uh, outside the system will be punished for their greed. And their savings will be spread across the wastelands of welfare recipients, special interest groups and foreign nations.”

He winked.

“That’s change you can believe in.”